My (f35) mother (f65) showed up early to my wedding (she lives abroad) despite me asking her not to and insisted on “helping.” Her help included deciding she’d stay at my place (“I’ll be no trouble”), losing her luggage, acting like a helpless damsel (“I need you to book my hair and makeup……what do you mean you don’t have anyone?”), insisting on me planning extra events for other guests (“you have to do a dinner the night before!”) all while generally introducing chaos. I booked her into a hotel (because I don’t have a spare room and having her take my room wasn’t happening) but she was upset because “I’m family!” and “I’m here to help!” The hotel was on my street so she’d still come to spend time together before the wedding (and had a key to the front door of the building but not my apartment). The night before the wedding at 9pm, there’s banging, stomping and excited yelling in the lobby: she brought four guests over to my place uninvited and then realized my apartment door was open so let them all in. I got them out of the house as politely as possible but I was angry. She text me right after leaving “Let me know if there’s anything I can help with.” I snapped: everything she’d done over the week before I listed out to her and said she’s only caused stress and has ignored my direct requests while doing whatever she wanted. I said I didn’t want her doing a speech the next day and that she was welcome to attend as a guest but she was not to show up and try to run anything. This week is the first time I’ve seen her since the wedding. I flew to visit her to see if there’s any way we salvage our relationship. (Spoiler: there isn’t. ) She basically doubled down on how I have behaved badly and she has been humiliated.

1) I said, at the end of the day, I’m the bride, it’s my wedding day, my comfort and happiness is more important than the mother of the bride that day.

2) I told her multiple guests asked me what was up with her because she glared at me throughout the wedding and the ones who spoke to her were left with a very strange impression. I also had multiple guests tell me my mum said “[Bride] always leaves everything to the last minute” and “[Bride] probably stayed up all night because she didn’t plan things properly.”

3) My stepsister, Jane, actually apologized for my mum when she left, I asked what she meant and she said “I had no idea your mother was so bad, I’m so sorry.” I didn’t ask. My mum was angry and refused to believe Jane would have said this.

She said “We had a really pleasant conversation and she asked wasn’t I doing a speech and I told her how awful you’d been to me.” She shared in detail how she’d been slighted and didn’t see anything wrong with it. Seems like she did the same with my aunt and my father in law.

4) She left the wedding without saying goodbye to me but she did say goodbye to the groom. She said to him, as the last words, “I hope you know that I will never come back to this city ever again’”.. I was shocked.

So her goodbye to the groom was about her feelings and she wanted to try to drag him down. He didn’t tell me at the time (there are a few other things but this post is now so long) that he thought it was better not to share at the wedding or in the lead up. Anyway: when people tell you who they are, listen.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Giminykrikits said:

Good lord! I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that! If you ever need a stand in Mom, let me know!

RhoynishRoots said:

Your groom is a champ for keeping that to himself until everything was over with. Seems like you picked a keeper!

ProfessionalBread176 said:

Sorry for your experience. She’s toxic. You should go NC; that way you won’t have to listen to her crap.

lisavieta said:

Yikes. I’m so sorry. This sucks.

MultipleSteph said:

Thank god she lives abroad.

KarenCT said:

I’m sorry you dealt with that and yes, sometimes when people show you who they are you best leave to believe them. Seems like your mother gave you a wedding gift. The gift of no contact and no remorse about cutting her out of your life. I’m so sorry but it sounds like she can’t see anything beyond her own needs.