Rock bottom feels like drowning in silence. Like lying awake at two in the morning with your hand pressed flat against your belly, listening to the house settle around you, every creak sounding like another thing about to give way. Like standing in your kitchen staring at a pile of unopened envelopes and telling yourself you’ll deal with them tomorrow, then watching tomorrow become next week, next week become a month, and the pile just keeps growing.
That wasn’t how any of it was supposed to go. I used to be a planner. Color-coded calendars. Six-month budgets. An emergency fund I had built slowly and carefully over years, because I grew up watching my mother panic every time an unexpected bill arrived, and I had promised myself that would never be me. I had a good job in medical billing. I had a house I was proud of, a small two-bedroom on a quiet street with a yard I actually maintained and neighbors I actually knew. I had Lee, who was funny and warm and made the most elaborate Sunday breakfasts and said he wanted kids someday, someday, someday, right up until the moment someday arrived and turned out to be right now.
He left on a Thursday. Packed two bags while I was at work, left his key on the kitchen counter, and sent a text that said he wasn’t ready and he was sorry and he hoped I’d understand.
What I understood was that I was suddenly one income in a two-income house, with a baby coming in six weeks and a mortgage that didn’t care about any of it. I burned through the emergency fund faster than I thought possible. I asked for more hours at work and they gave me what they could. I sold things. I applied for assistance programs that had waiting lists three months long. I told myself every single day that I would figure it out, because what else do you do. You keep going. You keep telling yourself it’s temporary.
That Tuesday was the kind of hot that felt personal. Not just warm, not just uncomfortable, but angry. The air sat on everything, thick and still, pressing down. I’d been shuffling around the living room trying to make myself fold the laundry that had been piled on the couch for three days, which sounds like a small thing but when you’re exhausted and frightened and thirty-four weeks pregnant, folding laundry is a negotiation with yourself that you don’t always win.
PART 2 HERE :
