My spouse and I wanted a romantic dinner and show. We put the cat in the backyard and turned on a “night light” after previous burglaries.

After we left our front door for our Uber, our tubby cat ran up the stairs. We didn’t want to leave our cat chasing our parakeet.

unsupervised, so my husband ran inside to fetch her and put her in the yard.

To keep the Uber driver from knowing our house would be empty all night, I told him my husband would say goodnight to my mother.

He came into the Uber hot and agitated and said, “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out!” My terror and hilarity increased as the automobile sped away. I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her to prevent her from clawing me again when she tried to escape.

Still, it worked! I hurled her enormous ass down the stairs and into the backyard, instructing her not to crap in the vegetable patch again.

The Uber hush was deafening.