Receiving your letter made my day. Yes, we’ve been married for 7 years, but a good man you are not. I watch TV to drown out your constant whining, which doesn’t even work.

I noticed your haircut, but it made you look like a girl, so I decided not to comment. When you cooked “my favorite meal,” you must have confused me with my sister, as I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. As for the new silk boxers, I turned away because they still had the $49.99 price tag, and my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

Despite all this, I still loved you and thought we could make it work. So when I won $10 million in the lottery, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home, you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. My lawyer says your letter ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.